I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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