he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
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