Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
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