I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
She's like a pop up book from hell.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
On the food pyramid big dick are "sometimes foods"
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
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