he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
Are we playing "how much awkwardness can we fit in the final 29 hours of 2011"?
yes yes we are. Go do something with super glue. i don't want to win.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
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