I'm pants shitting drunk right now
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
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