some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
this is the second night in a row i've fucked a guy i met on craigslist. and it wasn't even a post for sex. i posted a housing ad. A HOUSING AD
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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