Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
why did u let me go home with him last night?
u were determined it was a good idea
I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
Randomize
