Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
And he put my hair in my clip while i blew him...and he did a good job
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