i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
RJ thinks I should put one of the muffins in my vagina. Good idea or bad idea?
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
Friend date it is then. Question: Can friends engage in sexual activities after dates?
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
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