Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
It smells like wine and fried chicken. Im confused and intrigued.
yup. cregs moms pubic hair is still glued to the celing
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
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