Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
Randomize
