She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
He came in asked for the bathroom and came out 10 minutes later dripping wet took his redbull and left.
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
the room spins SO much faster in panama
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
Randomize
