The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
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