so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
seriously, i never want to drink Robitussin again. her face was melting as i tried to convince her i wasnt high and i probably would have fucked ray. his parents thought i was a sweet charming lesbian.
This is why you are not allowed out in public.
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize