I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
Randomize
