On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
Randomize
