She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
Randomize
