You know you love balls. Don't act all "I-Don't-Love-Balls-ish"
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
Randomize
