So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
Randomize
