The last thing I remeber was convincing you to hide in the fridge, and then taking everything out and you not fitting.
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
I didn't notice because vodka
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Randomize
