If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
Was just hit on by a guy with 2 kids and one was named Rocky. I need to get out of Buena Park.
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
Randomize
