He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
incase your class ends early, there are three naked guys in our room. but don't get too excited, they're all gay.
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
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