"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
is that a dick in a sweater?
ya I had reallllllly good sex last night too that will probably get me evicted
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize
