Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize