it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
shes a 6ft ginger. she brings nothing to the table except for awkwardness
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
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