im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
my vag is so smooth its legendary
Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
Randomize
