I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
i just sat down and hooked up with this girl. after she left i called over another girl and did the same. this happened about four more times and i never left my chair
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
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