WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
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