he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
I am certain that you would be a mere freckle on the behemoth of slutty that has taken place at this complex.
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
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