tell your sister to shave her snatch
Too much gin, very little bucket
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
Randomize
