i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
I don't remember how we paid for the cab. I do however remember giving him my heels 2 help with the bill.
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
Randomize
