I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
Randomize
