My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
I started drinking at around 8.. Started heavily drinking around 815.
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
I have a rage boner right now. An actual erection brought on by the amount of sheer hatred I have towards nationwide.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
Randomize
