I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
Heed the warning of the ghost of Oktoberfest present: German beer is soooooooo much better than our watered down children's piss. also lost all my clothes and am wearing lederhosen the rest of the trip.
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
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