all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
