I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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