I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
Bad news is im a slut again. Good news is its with people ive been a slut with before.
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
I just recommended that the library purchase the first major hentai with tentacle porn. Really, I'm doing everyone a favor.
Randomize
