my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
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