bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
Watching Supernatural does more for me sexually than the physical encounters with 90% of the men in my life.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
Randomize
