Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
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