Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
Hypothetical question: how bad would bacardi be as an IV drip?
death...100% death...what r u planning.
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
Randomize
