I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
Only if I get to be Gritty
How would you be Gritty for a fantasy hockey league?
Don't worry about it.
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
