I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
You say "I'm in class" like it matters... I'm getting a little tired of having to smoke by myself at 4:20 because you're in class.
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
does doing it on an automatic sink count as shower sex?
how do you play pong handcuffed?
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
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