So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
I'm watching a show called "I didn't know I was pregnant" on TLC...Apparently this happens enough that there is a series
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
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