I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
Then we started crawling around on the floor because we couldn't get up so decided to be tigers instead. Gotta love power hour.
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
Just think Febushuary. A whole month of 70's esque bush! This is the dream
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
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