wake up i wanna do it froggy style
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
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