Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
His nipple licking is glorious
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