i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
Yeah I guess I was Pocahontus. If she were a trifling drunk who hung out in her undies, with possible brain damage.
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
No. I'm just saying it shows no signs of stopping. My dad was a man-whore well into his 50s.
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
Randomize
