apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
And in my birthday dress, with my friends, i peed on myself in line for the club. Still went in and partied. I remember pieces
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
Randomize
