Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
