I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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