Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
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