it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
Is is gay if I donloaded Grinder to see if my roommate is gay?
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Randomize
