Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
Randomize
