I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
We have to give a final comment in english, i think i might say "i learned it's a bad idea to make out with people in your classes who have girlfriends."
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
Naked. naked and bneed help.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
Randomize
