girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
Its kinda awkward hearing him say the food taste like ass considering what he did last night.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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